You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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