Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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