Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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