I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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