He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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