So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Never joke about your clitoris.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
