Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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