My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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