What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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