When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
