Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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