when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
