Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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