I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize