Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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