Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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