do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
