Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize