plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
