just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
