She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
