3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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