The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize