I'm so fucking centered right now
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
