just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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