hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
