I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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