I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
