booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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