When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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