Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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