my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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