my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
