It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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