Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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