i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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