can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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