piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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