We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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