A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
