Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just want nice things and good sex
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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