You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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