you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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