he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
