Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
