Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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