She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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