i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
