I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
