oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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