someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Mom said you looked used
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
