i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
