my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
