My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
