It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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