Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
