I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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